Tucker and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coming Out Story

Okay, so a lot has happened. I'm sorry, I can only write about myself so much before I get tired. But I think this is important.

So when I was about a month on T, I realized I still hadn't come out at work. I work for a international, moderately large publishing company in Boston, so I fortunately wasn't too worried about discrimination from the company itself. They've received a number of commendations from HRC and others for their ethical and diverse workplace. (They also have a gender clause in their non-discrimination policy). I'm also fortunate enough to live and work in Boston, where gender expression is also protected by law.

So my concerns were, fortunately, pretty personal. I work very closely with one woman, let's call her S, who is my boss, as well as the VP of my department, let's call her L, who is the woman I initially interviewed with. I'm fairly close with both of them, and my department is also very female dominated. I was pretty sure they wouldn't say anything offensive, but I was worried about... I don't know, making them uncomfortable. Which is silly, I know, but I was worried.

Anyway, I talked to my girlfriend, friends and therapist about this and realized I really couldn't put it off any longer. I also was getting really uncomfortable still being called "Rosie" and using female pronouns at work.

So that Friday, I wrote an email to S. I had been writing and rewriting this email and tinkering it for awhile, and everything I tried just sounded really formal and stiff. S and I have a fairly close, casual, joking relationship so this tone just made it seem weird. I also felt that the tone I took would set the whole tone for the office, and if I was uncomfortable with it, others would be too. So what surprised me the most about that email I wrote on Friday is that I ignored everything else and literally just typed some casual stuff out and hit send.

Keep in mind, I then immediately shut down my computer and ran out of the office for the weekend.

When I next checked my email, S had wrote me a wonderfully supportive email, saying more than anything she was happy that I felt comfortable enough at work to come out and she would be happy to do anything I needed, even though this was kind of unfamiliar territory for her. I joked, saying it was unfamiliar territory to me as well!

So that was the biggest hurdle. I then wrote a similar email to L, who called me into her office to give me a hug, and then I spoke with HR later that day, after trying to get in touch with them for a couple days. Which is funny, because you think one of their employees coming out as transgender would be like an HR wet dream. But I guess it's kind of banal. HR was great, but very HR. They said I couldn't change my Outlook name, or the name on my cube, or the name on my badge until I got my name legally changed (which is something I am not planning on doing for a little bit). This kind of struck me as weird, since my badge and door both say "Rosie", which is no more my birthname than Tucker is.  But whatever. I was too happy that everyone was onboard.

After my meeting with HR, I wrote my email to my department. I received a number of extremely encouraging, adorable and supportive emails. Seriously. I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

Since then, everyone has been calling me "Tucker" very steadily, with only a few slipups here and there and they are almost always corrected. The pronouns are a little trickier, but now that I'm further into my hormonal transition (two months!) and my voice and face are changing to be more masculine, people are slipping up less.

My favorite moment was when both L and HR said, "I don't think you'll have any problems with anyone here, but if you do, let us know. And remember: it's not your problem, it's their problem. And they have to deal with it."

That and also one of my bosses got my door nametag reprinted for me on the sly. So now my door says Tucker.

T-t-transformation

For those of you wondering, here is a comparison of my face from Pre T vs. one month on T. Not a whole lot of changes, but my jawline and chin are becoming more defined. Also, you can't see it here, but I've said it before and I'll say it again: I swear to you my eyebrows are beasts.


taken from T is for Timeline

One month on T!

Well, today was my third t shot. I've been four weeks on T as of today. I got my dosage bumped up from 50mg (.25mL) to 100mg (.50mL). The doctor asked me what changes I had experienced and I said, "Well, nothing big so far..." and she said "Okay, so if all goes well, we'll bump up your dose! I mean, if you're comfortable with that. If you feel good about it..."

What was I going to say, no? 'Oh yeah I totally got on T to wait forever and no see any changes. I want to draw this process out for as long as possible.'

But in all seriousness, she said we'll bump up today and then probably to 150mg next month. I've done my own injections both times, and in true quick bandaid peel fashion, it's easy peasy if you don't think about it. It also doesn't hurt!

So that's awesome.

Like I said, changes haven't been huge. These are the things I've noticed--

- My skin, mostly on my face, feels a lot rougher.
- I was told my voice sounds a little deeper. I don't know if it does, but my general base pitch feels lower. It's a lot more in my chest than before.
- I'm hungry. I don't get hungry more often, but I now eat a lot more in a sitting.
- My hair (on my head) is drier. Which is odd.
- I'm way back on teenager sleep patterns.

Well. That's it so far. I'm eager to see what else happens and I'm doing my best to be patient.

Maybe I should cut off all my hair so I pass better.

T is for Timeline

For those who are curious, here are some dates for you.

2001 -- Started learning about transgenderism.

Sept 2006 -- Started college, gained support system, learned a ton about being trans

April 2006 -- Started binding, started looking at names, started identifying as trans. Went back and forth for the next few years.

June 2009 -- Started seeing a gender therapist.

July 25, 2009 -- My dad passed away. Stopped seeing my gender therapist, stopped thinking about gender for awhile.

April 30, 2010 -- My mom passed away.

May 31, 2010 -- Graduated college.

March 2011 -- Went back to same gender therapist, started working on gender issues.

April 30, 2011 -- Started going by Tuck, using male pronouns full time.

Late June, 2011 -- Got my physical in preparation for starting T.

July 2, 2011 -- Told I would be getting my T letter, made first call to Fenway Health.

July 8, 2011 -- Got my T letter.

July 8, 2011 - July 15, 2011 -- Assorted bloodwork, faxing, phonecalls, emails with therapist and Fenway.

July 15, 2011 -- My case goes before Fenway Health Transgender board. Case is approved! Told to make an appointment for 4 weeks from that date for initial hormone evaluation.

July 30, 2011 -- Top surgery fundraising party.

August 5, 2011 -- First shot at Fenway Health.

August 15, 2011 -- Phone call with Dr. Garramone. Top Surgery Scheduled!

January 26, 2012 -- Top Surgery scheduled!


When things get started, they REALLY get started!

Second Shot!

So yesterday was my two week mark on T. I had just gotten fresh off a red eye from SFO, came home at 7am, slept til 10:30, woke up and went to Fenway to get my shot.

I'm also super sick, so I'm congested and my voice sounds like hell. I can't tell if my voice has changed or if this is just now what my voice sounds like.

Anyway, self-injection was way easier than I thought it would be. I assembled the needle, did all that stuff, and the nurse showed me where I should try to inject. I did it quick, like a bandaid peel. Even the nurse was impressed! She told me most people think about it a lot or it takes them longer. I just went for it. Like most things in life.

Other than that, I just came back from the west coast yesterday. I spent 10 days in Portland and San Fran, and it was pretty fun. It was the first time I had ever been on the west coast. I was pretty pleased.

Idk, I've taken a lot of sudafed, so I feel a little all over the place.

No interesting changes, still not passing, yadayada. Will keep you posted.

T RAGE.

Alright, so I'm now three(?) days on T. Or post T shot, however you want to count it. Counting has been a big challenge for me, since I have never been in a math class that was not held in the back of a library.

Anyway, obviously I haven't noticed any huge changes, but today was the first day I could definitely pinpoint some things that were T related, as it were.

-- ENERGY. Holy mother of God. I'm bouncing off the walls. I haven't increased or decreased my caffeine, and it's not nervous / anxious energy. It's just pure and simple energy. I came home from work and HAD to work out to burn off some excess energy. It's an awesome feeling because normally I get tired very, very easily and I'm prone to napping and boredom.

-- I FEEL a lot bigger. My muscles feel stronger, my shoulders feel broader. I feel like my arms literally hang differently than they used to. I walk with my shoulders back now. This might be T swagger, but it feels good. I just did some weights at the gym and while I'm still a 98 pound weakling, it feels like I'm building muscle. I can't really put it into words, but it's just a feeling.

-- T RAGE. Okay, a lot of people don't believe in this. I'm not even sure I believe in it. But I have been so aggressive today it's off the wall. Not in a bad way, don't get me wrong. Not like in your face I'm gonna fight you. But just a lot more assertive and peeved at different things. I think I said HULK SMASHHH about an email chain at work like 5 times in various g-chat windows.

-- Alright, if you know me well, you might not want to read this. It's something we were all expecting. But last night, I was scrolling through Tumblr, like I do, when I came across some ladies doin' it, for lack of a better word. I actually stopped and looked at it. I actually liked it. It was very different than what I was used to. The porn phase begins.

Anyway, that's all the news so far. I leave to go to the west coast tomorrow evening, and then I come back next Thursday on a red eye and straight into my second shot. Onward and upward~~~

T DAY

TODAY WAS THE DAY.

I obviously couldn't sleep. The woman and I drove to the doctor, I went over the basic forms with the doctor and she told me she didn't see any reason why I couldn't get my first shot that day.

I said yeah damn straight I'll get my first shot today. JK No but really I would have choked a bitch if that didn't happen.

So the second nurse came in, she showed me how to assemble the syringe, draw the testosterone into the needle and where to inject myself. She injected it today, but I will do it next week. I'm super eager to get started doing it on my own, because I'm so DIY and I do love accoutrements.

Anyway, she injected .25mL (50mL) of 200mg Testosterone Cypionate into my left thigh. She said next week we'll do it on my right thigh so I can use my dominant hand. It was a super bizarre sensation, I could truly feel it in my muscles. My quad is still a little sore.

BUT I DID IT. And it was awesome and here I am on the other side. I'm obviously super eager to start seeing changes, but I know I've got a long way to go. The only thing I've noticed so far is my throat feels funny, like I always have to clear it but I don't really. This might be totally psychosomatic.

I guess I feel like I have a little more energy. I feel like anything I say right now is going to be purely placebo effect, but who cares. That's part of it.

After the shot, I took a nap, ate some lunch and went to get a new tattoo. Ironically (or not ironically), I got 'ma'am'd and 'she'd multiple times at the tattoo parlor. I was all yeah yeah get your kicks now bros, you wait til I look like Taylor Hanson / Tom Felton / Ryan Gosling.

Which will obviously happen as early as tomorrow.

Here is a light photo journal of my day, since my lady friend was obviously like a proud parent during this whole thing.

T is for Top Surgery Fundraiser!

So my top surgery fundraising party was this past Saturday. The theme was, obviously, 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.'

We made commemorative pink cups that said the name of the party and the date. We had a keg, two 30racks of Bud Lite, skippies, assorted tequila, whiskey, vodka, gin. My kind friends bought a cake that said 'Tuck's the Best, Fuck the Rest'. We had streamers and waterguns and temporary dinosaur tattoos and parasols that go in the cup. We played flip cup and beer pong downstairs and danced to country music upstairs. We had jello shots in every flavor and jello shots made in orange slices.

Overall, it was amazing. I raised over $500. That alone is enough for me to reserve a surgery date with Dr. Garramone. I was truly, truly touched by everyone's immense display of support. I felt very truly loved, and I don't know how to repay that love, except in words I guess.

For those who are interested, my model was as follows--
$5 for a cup / admission. These are commemorative cups (so people feel like they are paying for something). You can write your name on the cup and you can then fill the cup up as many times as you want with anything you want.

$1 Jello Shots. I had various people walk around carrying these and selling them, and we made a good amount of money that way.

Other than that, I advertised on facebook and told people to come bringing cash. You wouldn't be admitted without cash. I got change beforehand at the bank and put a mason jar in the fridge for jello shots. I also put two mason jars around the apartment for miscellaneous donations. All in all, it went very well!

In other news, I'm at 4 days til my first T shot. I keep thinking about how I should be mourning my last days as a woman or whatever blablabla but you know. I just don't feel that way. I'm not hateful of being a woman, I just don't really care. It's like going to college or getting married. I've done this stage of my life. I'm ready for the next one. I had a good 23 years, let's get this show on the road.

T is for ten days~

So I was left to my own devices this evening and in my enfant sauvage state, I decided to begin my photo project.

As promised, I will take a photo every day for the first year I am on T. I may continue for longer, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I've started tonight (ten days before my first shot) in order to get into the habit.

I've also taken something from a comic project that I used to do / still occasionally do and have put various information about the day that I uploaded this photo. You'll see what I mean.


The project can be found here. Or, if you're tumblin', here.

Other things of note, let's see. Ten days til I start T (August 5th, for those of you keeping track at home). Bought a new phone. Realized I (still) can't sing. Slept a lot. You know, the uzh.

Followed by a light facebook retrospective

So of course it is a beautiful summer day, and of course I have spent the day inside. I backwards facebook-stalked myself, something I haven't done in years. Let's go on this memory lane trip, shall we? Photos under the cut, so you don't have to look at my beautiful visage should you fear turning to stone.

A light gender retrospective

So, after waking up this morning and putting on my binder, as I do every morning and have done every day for the past five years literally without fail, I had a little thinking time to myself.

I've been working through my gender identity for a good, good long time now. I guess I never felt "trapped in the wrong body", like a lot of trans guys, but I also didn't know trans was an option. I assumed that, by transitioning, I would be relegated to the outskirts of society. I would have to give up everything I cared about and loved and pretty much change my life entirely. I figured no one would accept me.

When I was in the 7th grade, I found a livejournal (my generation's tumblr, apparently) and I remember poring over it for hours and hours. These were kids, not much older than me, and they were boys. They were born girls, and now were boys. I couldn't place my finger on what I felt, but I did spend some time there.

In Highschool, I fantasized about running away to the middle of nowhere, cutting off contact with everyone I knew, and transitioning. My friend, Brianna, who is a wonderful human being said to me one day out of the blue, "Hey, Rosie, when you get a sex change, will you still talk to me?" It was literally like she had read my mind. I didn't realize I was so obvious.

College came around and as soon as I was given access to the means and possibilities, I came out as trans. I bought my first binder, cut my hair short, started looking at names. I fluctuated for those four years, having days where if i I didn't transition RIGHT AWAY I didn't know how I could go on, and other days when people brought up, I laughed it off because it wasn't how I felt that day. I still don't know if I feel "male", or as a boy. Some days I do, some days I'm content to feel neutral. But even my neutral state wants facial hair, a deeper voice, secondary characteristics. I know if I don't at least try, I will regret not doing this forever. That much I know is sure.

I graduated college, moved into a real world situation, and suddenly had time to think a lot more about me. Both my parents passed away over the past two years (My dad in July of 2009, my mom in April 2010). I hate to say this, but it was an impetus for me. I wasn't afraid of their approval. For the first time in my life, I felt I was only accountable to me and me alone. So one night, almost on a whim, I said let's do it. Let's go by Tuck.

And people called me Tuck, I used male pronouns, I felt at ease. I wondered what I had ever worried about. As soon as I did this, everything fell into place. I guess I just woke up one morning and was ready to do it. So I did therapy, (I had planned ahead and my regular therapist was also qualified to write me my letter), I got my letter, I called the doctor and I crossed all my t's and dotted all the i's. I didn't realize how much I wanted this until suddenly doing everything to get my first shot seemed as easy as pie. Getting my physical, getting blood drawn, making phone calls, working things out with insurance, all things I usually hate, I did with no problems. The guy I've been working with at Fenway even commented on how hard I've been working for this. He told me he was glad to make it happen for me.

So here we are. I still don't know how I identify. I don't know if "trans" is the right for me, or if I'm "genderqueer" or anything else. I kind of stopped caring.

It's been a long time coming, this transition. I guess I just wanted to get that out there.

T start date

August 5th! Get this show on the roaddddd. Obviously I will use a pregnancy ticker with two gay dudes to so you can follow along at home.

TTTTT LETTERRRR~~~~~*

NBD JUST ME CHILLIN
WIT MY ACTUAL FACTUAL
T LETTER

E'ERY DAY WE HUSTLIN'

I also painted that naked lady in the background, in case you were at all worried.

Also, a general summary of my state of mind

From my ladyfriend, on what an insufferable, excitable child I have become --

i'm going to tell you a bedtime story tonight

it will begin "twas the night before t letter and all through the house every creature was stirring because tucker won't go the fuck to sleep"

IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.

T is for "Terry", the Interniest of the Interns.

Boy, when things get going they get going fast. I've been in communication with FH, the local hospital that does hormone treatment. They've been awesome and amazing, and everyone has been so informative and polite, and are super LGBTQ friendly. So don't let my below exchange sway you from thinking anything else. Terry has been wonderful, supportive and helpful. But gosh, this is a funny story.

Last Friday, 7/1, I called FH to set up an appointment. They redirected me to the head of transgender treatment and I left a voicemail for him, as I mentioned here. But, me being me, and being so incredibly excited, I emailed them on Tuesday. You know, just to make sure they had gotten my letter and everything. I got an automatic response from the head of the transgender department, saying that he was on vacation but he had an assistant in who would be answering his emails and calls.

Tuesday afternoon, I get a voicemail from a young gentleman with FH. Let's call him Terry. Terry was very nice, but I'm 85% sure he has never left a voicemail for anyone in his entire life. He didn't leave
a) his name, until about 30 seconds into the message
b) my name, until about 15 seconds into the message
c) any number at which I could reach him
And he ended the voicemail saying "Oh, wait, I see you emailed me. I'll just answer that. Thanks!"

Terry proceeded to write me an extremely informative email -- detailing the process, the steps I would need to take, and the bloodwork necessary to continue. He gave me a total lay of the land, and told me the fax number to send all my information to.

Wednesday, I call my PCP and tell them I need the results from my recent physical and my bloodwork faxed to the number Terry gave me. Also, they said I would need a note from FH ordering the additional bloodwork I would need, the bloodwork not covered by my recent physical. Mostly stuff like free testosterone, which they probably wouldn't test for unless specifically asked. This is all a little bit complicated, because I don't technically have a doctor at FH yet / at all, because I need my case to be evaluated by them. So I tell them, "Sure, it's going to Dr. Terry." BUT WHATEVER.

So I write Terry and let him know that my medical records are coming, and ask him how to go about obtaining an order from FH to get the bloodwork done. He's only in the office Tuesday and Thursday, so I wait til Thursday to hear from him.

And that brings us to today. I get an email from Terry, telling me he is SO SORRY but he gave me the wrong fax number! He had given me his direct line, rather than the fax line. He also doesn't answer any of my bloodwork questions.

Oh Terry, dear, sweet Terry. I know you're an intern, I know you're over your head, I know your email signature says "MA Candidate" in case I was worried about your postgrad plans, it's okay you're doing an awesome job!

I call my doctor again, we play lunchbreak phone tag because now they're concerned I've requested to have my records sent to two different numbers but the same person in 24 hours. I explain the situation and all is clear. I let Terry know I've sent the information his way.

And then I get another email from Terry. He says, he's gotten the medical records, all he needs know is the letter from my therapist. He will put in a request for the additional bloodwork and get back to me. The committee will meet again next Thursday, and if all goes well, my case will be evaluated then.


So that's pretty awesome. I'm pretty excited. I suppose I should mention the other story, in which I called my therapist on Tuesday and then forwarded her my email from Terry about what needed to be done today (I really need to stop doing that). She wrote me back an email saying "I got both your messages. We'll talk about it tomorrow [when we usually meet] but you sound kind of anxious. Just wanted to reassure you."

I responded, "Not anxious! Just excited! Overenthusiastic, if anything."

To which she replied, "Good, excited is MUCH better than anxious!"

So that's kind of cute, that I'm emailing with my therapist, I guess. Or whatever.

T is for Tumblr

Ever since I can remember, since my earliest days of exploring gender identity, I've looked to the internet. I find the internet to be an amazing resource for many trans / gender nonconforming people, as it can show you the resources you need, the vocabulary that's hard to understand, and the fact that so many people out there have the courage to do something that you've longed to do.

Now that I've taken huge leaps and strides in my identity, I find something very disheartening in the trans community I've found on Tumblr. Since Tumblr is apparently the new livejournal for those 18 and under, I was expecting to see similar communities and similar experiences. It's true, on many accounts. There's the same photos, the same encouragement, the same positive reinforcement.

But there's something else, something I love less. Time and time again I see posts by young trans guys writing about how they hate their bodies, how they want to cut themselves because of their breasts, how they starve themselves because they hate their bodies, how they want to kill themselves every time they get their periods. It seems to be so firmly couched in hatred, and so many of the issues that plague teen girls are just being transformed onto a trans identity.

I also can't help but find this fundamentally misogynistic. To hate something so fundamentally female just screams woman hating. I know the dysphoria that comes with being trans, and I know everyone's experience is different, but this is a TREND. I am seeing this EVERYWHERE. There is just so much rage and hate against the female body! It makes me so upset to think of this theoretically progressive movement so rooted in the misogyny that plagues everyone. It's everywhere.

Anyway. I got my appointment at Fenway health today. I should be starting T in (hopefully) under a month. Yeeeeee.

for the record, my tumblr is tuckfinn.tumblr.com. I got nothin' to hide biddies.

T Letter!

It happened! Finally!

I've been hoping it would happen before my therapist went away for two weeks, but today she told me to start making my appointments at FH and getting my endo in order and everything. I'm hoping it won't take me too long to get in, since I already have a PCP and just got my physical and blood work done. I called today, but since it's a holiday weekend, well, you know how that goes.

That brings me to a couple things -- Since I finally have a really strict timeline for starting T, I've decided to begin this photo project that I've been thinking about for awhile. It's inspired by my brilliant friend, EB and her 365 plus one project that she did last year. I'm planning on taking a photo of myself every day for the next year. I know a lot of trans guys do monthly / bimonthly / weekly updates or what have you, but I want to see what the day to day transition is actually going to look like. I also hope it'll prove to be an interesting roadmap when I look back and for others following in my shoes. If anything, it'll also be interesting because I'm 23 and likely to do ANYTHING.

I'M CRAZY.

Other than that, I'm hot as balls, pumped as hell, and so ready to get this show on the road. I'm hoping to get some comics done this coming weekend, so this blog will be a little more interesting than just me writing about my transition, but that might also be wishful thinking.

Stay tuned folks, shit's about to get real.

Super bass.

Twenty, one hundred.

Oh my god.

I have gotten 120 dollars in the first 6 hours of my fundraiser. I am literally overjoyed. I am overcome with emotion. This is the most beautiful moment for me.

I went to my first physical in 2 years today, and after talking briefly about other things (my job, where I'm living etc.) my doctor and I got started. She asked me if I needed any blood work done. I paused.

"Well, you see... Here's the thing."

She looked at me, and there it was.

"I'm transitioning,' I paused, because I'm obviously liberal arts educated and expected everyone to know what this mean. After a beat... "From female to male."

"Good for you!" She said instantly. Then we talked about my plans to go to Fenway Health in Boston to get hormones, to get surgery and all these things.

"I'm so glad you're doing something to make you feel good. So many people are so unhappy with all these things about their lives, and they don't do anything about them. You're not happy with something, and you're changing it." She said, as she put in the bloodwork (that I didn't technically need). "I'm ordering more bloodwork than you need, than I would normally order for a young woman-- Person,' she said finally.

What a good day.

TOP SURGERY

I've started a fundraiser for my upcoming top surgery. Shit is EXPENSIVE, brother. Like more expensive than my car. Like more expensive than my car INSURANCE.

With any luck, by next year, I'll be the realest boy imaginable.
Here is the link to donate!

If you donate $50 or more, I will draw you a comic to show you my eternal gratitude!

In other news, tuckstuff.com is my new favorite website. I want all presents from there from now on.

I mean look at this. This is perfect.

T is for the '48 Tucker Torpedo

So recently I've decided to take a sharp turn into fitness city, population this guy. Most of my work day was spent researching transfriendly muscle building routines, yoga studios near my apartment, and drawing a 6-day work out plan on a post it with a sharpie and a highlighter.

It was a pretty slow day.

Friday afternoon rolls around, I drag my skinny ass out of bed after a 4 hour nap, walk to the gym to start gettin' swole. After a riveting, challenging, butt-kicking 30 minutes on the expressline, I walked home and bought muscle milk.

In order to achieve true gym rat bro-dom, my obvious dream, I made a trip to the local "vitamin world", apparently owned and operated by the most flamboyant man. Rather than suggesting I buy 400 kinds of protein and 648954 vitamins and really just whalin' on my pecs, brah, he recommended the kind that "tastes like a vanilla ice cream float".

Purchases at Vitamin World are accompanied by a membership card, which I was required to fill out. After this kind young gentleman presumptuously checked the "female" box, I filled out my name.

"What a unique name! I love that name. It's so great. Where did it come from?"

I paused. "...My brain."

He chuckled, and then said, "not after the old car?"

"What?" I replied. "What old car?"

The "Tucker" aka "The Tucker Torpedo"

You're welcome.

T is for

Tucker.

Twenty-three.

Transbro.

Working towards my T Letter.

Saving up for Top Surgery.

This is my holy roaming empire.