So I was left to my own devices this evening and in my enfant sauvage state, I decided to begin my photo project.
As promised, I will take a photo every day for the first year I am on T. I may continue for longer, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I've started tonight (ten days before my first shot) in order to get into the habit.
I've also taken something from a comic project that I used to do / still occasionally do and have put various information about the day that I uploaded this photo. You'll see what I mean.
The project can be found here. Or, if you're tumblin', here.
Other things of note, let's see. Ten days til I start T (August 5th, for those of you keeping track at home). Bought a new phone. Realized I (still) can't sing. Slept a lot. You know, the uzh.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Followed by a light facebook retrospective
So of course it is a beautiful summer day, and of course I have spent the day inside. I backwards facebook-stalked myself, something I haven't done in years. Let's go on this memory lane trip, shall we? Photos under the cut, so you don't have to look at my beautiful visage should you fear turning to stone.
A light gender retrospective
So, after waking up this morning and putting on my binder, as I do every morning and have done every day for the past five years literally without fail, I had a little thinking time to myself.
I've been working through my gender identity for a good, good long time now. I guess I never felt "trapped in the wrong body", like a lot of trans guys, but I also didn't know trans was an option. I assumed that, by transitioning, I would be relegated to the outskirts of society. I would have to give up everything I cared about and loved and pretty much change my life entirely. I figured no one would accept me.
When I was in the 7th grade, I found a livejournal (my generation's tumblr, apparently) and I remember poring over it for hours and hours. These were kids, not much older than me, and they were boys. They were born girls, and now were boys. I couldn't place my finger on what I felt, but I did spend some time there.
In Highschool, I fantasized about running away to the middle of nowhere, cutting off contact with everyone I knew, and transitioning. My friend, Brianna, who is a wonderful human being said to me one day out of the blue, "Hey, Rosie, when you get a sex change, will you still talk to me?" It was literally like she had read my mind. I didn't realize I was so obvious.
College came around and as soon as I was given access to the means and possibilities, I came out as trans. I bought my first binder, cut my hair short, started looking at names. I fluctuated for those four years, having days where if i I didn't transition RIGHT AWAY I didn't know how I could go on, and other days when people brought up, I laughed it off because it wasn't how I felt that day. I still don't know if I feel "male", or as a boy. Some days I do, some days I'm content to feel neutral. But even my neutral state wants facial hair, a deeper voice, secondary characteristics. I know if I don't at least try, I will regret not doing this forever. That much I know is sure.
I graduated college, moved into a real world situation, and suddenly had time to think a lot more about me. Both my parents passed away over the past two years (My dad in July of 2009, my mom in April 2010). I hate to say this, but it was an impetus for me. I wasn't afraid of their approval. For the first time in my life, I felt I was only accountable to me and me alone. So one night, almost on a whim, I said let's do it. Let's go by Tuck.
And people called me Tuck, I used male pronouns, I felt at ease. I wondered what I had ever worried about. As soon as I did this, everything fell into place. I guess I just woke up one morning and was ready to do it. So I did therapy, (I had planned ahead and my regular therapist was also qualified to write me my letter), I got my letter, I called the doctor and I crossed all my t's and dotted all the i's. I didn't realize how much I wanted this until suddenly doing everything to get my first shot seemed as easy as pie. Getting my physical, getting blood drawn, making phone calls, working things out with insurance, all things I usually hate, I did with no problems. The guy I've been working with at Fenway even commented on how hard I've been working for this. He told me he was glad to make it happen for me.
So here we are. I still don't know how I identify. I don't know if "trans" is the right for me, or if I'm "genderqueer" or anything else. I kind of stopped caring.
It's been a long time coming, this transition. I guess I just wanted to get that out there.
I've been working through my gender identity for a good, good long time now. I guess I never felt "trapped in the wrong body", like a lot of trans guys, but I also didn't know trans was an option. I assumed that, by transitioning, I would be relegated to the outskirts of society. I would have to give up everything I cared about and loved and pretty much change my life entirely. I figured no one would accept me.
When I was in the 7th grade, I found a livejournal (my generation's tumblr, apparently) and I remember poring over it for hours and hours. These were kids, not much older than me, and they were boys. They were born girls, and now were boys. I couldn't place my finger on what I felt, but I did spend some time there.
In Highschool, I fantasized about running away to the middle of nowhere, cutting off contact with everyone I knew, and transitioning. My friend, Brianna, who is a wonderful human being said to me one day out of the blue, "Hey, Rosie, when you get a sex change, will you still talk to me?" It was literally like she had read my mind. I didn't realize I was so obvious.
College came around and as soon as I was given access to the means and possibilities, I came out as trans. I bought my first binder, cut my hair short, started looking at names. I fluctuated for those four years, having days where if i I didn't transition RIGHT AWAY I didn't know how I could go on, and other days when people brought up, I laughed it off because it wasn't how I felt that day. I still don't know if I feel "male", or as a boy. Some days I do, some days I'm content to feel neutral. But even my neutral state wants facial hair, a deeper voice, secondary characteristics. I know if I don't at least try, I will regret not doing this forever. That much I know is sure.
I graduated college, moved into a real world situation, and suddenly had time to think a lot more about me. Both my parents passed away over the past two years (My dad in July of 2009, my mom in April 2010). I hate to say this, but it was an impetus for me. I wasn't afraid of their approval. For the first time in my life, I felt I was only accountable to me and me alone. So one night, almost on a whim, I said let's do it. Let's go by Tuck.
And people called me Tuck, I used male pronouns, I felt at ease. I wondered what I had ever worried about. As soon as I did this, everything fell into place. I guess I just woke up one morning and was ready to do it. So I did therapy, (I had planned ahead and my regular therapist was also qualified to write me my letter), I got my letter, I called the doctor and I crossed all my t's and dotted all the i's. I didn't realize how much I wanted this until suddenly doing everything to get my first shot seemed as easy as pie. Getting my physical, getting blood drawn, making phone calls, working things out with insurance, all things I usually hate, I did with no problems. The guy I've been working with at Fenway even commented on how hard I've been working for this. He told me he was glad to make it happen for me.
So here we are. I still don't know how I identify. I don't know if "trans" is the right for me, or if I'm "genderqueer" or anything else. I kind of stopped caring.
It's been a long time coming, this transition. I guess I just wanted to get that out there.
Friday, July 15, 2011
T start date
August 5th! Get this show on the roaddddd. Obviously I will use a pregnancy ticker with two gay dudes to so you can follow along at home.
Friday, July 8, 2011
TTTTT LETTERRRR~~~~~*
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Also, a general summary of my state of mind
From my ladyfriend, on what an insufferable, excitable child I have become --
IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.
i'm going to tell you a bedtime story tonight
it will begin "twas the night before t letter and all through the house every creature was stirring because tucker won't go the fuck to sleep"
IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.
T is for "Terry", the Interniest of the Interns.
Boy, when things get going they get going fast. I've been in communication with FH, the local hospital that does hormone treatment. They've been awesome and amazing, and everyone has been so informative and polite, and are super LGBTQ friendly. So don't let my below exchange sway you from thinking anything else. Terry has been wonderful, supportive and helpful. But gosh, this is a funny story.
Last Friday, 7/1, I called FH to set up an appointment. They redirected me to the head of transgender treatment and I left a voicemail for him, as I mentioned here. But, me being me, and being so incredibly excited, I emailed them on Tuesday. You know, just to make sure they had gotten my letter and everything. I got an automatic response from the head of the transgender department, saying that he was on vacation but he had an assistant in who would be answering his emails and calls.
Tuesday afternoon, I get a voicemail from a young gentleman with FH. Let's call him Terry. Terry was very nice, but I'm 85% sure he has never left a voicemail for anyone in his entire life. He didn't leave
a) his name, until about 30 seconds into the message
b) my name, until about 15 seconds into the message
c) any number at which I could reach him
And he ended the voicemail saying "Oh, wait, I see you emailed me. I'll just answer that. Thanks!"
Terry proceeded to write me an extremely informative email -- detailing the process, the steps I would need to take, and the bloodwork necessary to continue. He gave me a total lay of the land, and told me the fax number to send all my information to.
Wednesday, I call my PCP and tell them I need the results from my recent physical and my bloodwork faxed to the number Terry gave me. Also, they said I would need a note from FH ordering the additional bloodwork I would need, the bloodwork not covered by my recent physical. Mostly stuff like free testosterone, which they probably wouldn't test for unless specifically asked. This is all a little bit complicated, because I don't technically have a doctor at FH yet / at all, because I need my case to be evaluated by them. So I tell them, "Sure, it's going to Dr. Terry." BUT WHATEVER.
So I write Terry and let him know that my medical records are coming, and ask him how to go about obtaining an order from FH to get the bloodwork done. He's only in the office Tuesday and Thursday, so I wait til Thursday to hear from him.
And that brings us to today. I get an email from Terry, telling me he is SO SORRY but he gave me the wrong fax number! He had given me his direct line, rather than the fax line. He also doesn't answer any of my bloodwork questions.
Oh Terry, dear, sweet Terry. I know you're an intern, I know you're over your head, I know your email signature says "MA Candidate" in case I was worried about your postgrad plans, it's okay you're doing an awesome job!
I call my doctor again, we play lunchbreak phone tag because now they're concerned I've requested to have my records sent to two different numbers but the same person in 24 hours. I explain the situation and all is clear. I let Terry know I've sent the information his way.
And then I get another email from Terry. He says, he's gotten the medical records, all he needs know is the letter from my therapist. He will put in a request for the additional bloodwork and get back to me. The committee will meet again next Thursday, and if all goes well, my case will be evaluated then.
So that's pretty awesome. I'm pretty excited. I suppose I should mention the other story, in which I called my therapist on Tuesday and then forwarded her my email from Terry about what needed to be done today (I really need to stop doing that). She wrote me back an email saying "I got both your messages. We'll talk about it tomorrow [when we usually meet] but you sound kind of anxious. Just wanted to reassure you."
I responded, "Not anxious! Just excited! Overenthusiastic, if anything."
To which she replied, "Good, excited is MUCH better than anxious!"
So that's kind of cute, that I'm emailing with my therapist, I guess. Or whatever.
Last Friday, 7/1, I called FH to set up an appointment. They redirected me to the head of transgender treatment and I left a voicemail for him, as I mentioned here. But, me being me, and being so incredibly excited, I emailed them on Tuesday. You know, just to make sure they had gotten my letter and everything. I got an automatic response from the head of the transgender department, saying that he was on vacation but he had an assistant in who would be answering his emails and calls.
Tuesday afternoon, I get a voicemail from a young gentleman with FH. Let's call him Terry. Terry was very nice, but I'm 85% sure he has never left a voicemail for anyone in his entire life. He didn't leave
a) his name, until about 30 seconds into the message
b) my name, until about 15 seconds into the message
c) any number at which I could reach him
And he ended the voicemail saying "Oh, wait, I see you emailed me. I'll just answer that. Thanks!"
Terry proceeded to write me an extremely informative email -- detailing the process, the steps I would need to take, and the bloodwork necessary to continue. He gave me a total lay of the land, and told me the fax number to send all my information to.
Wednesday, I call my PCP and tell them I need the results from my recent physical and my bloodwork faxed to the number Terry gave me. Also, they said I would need a note from FH ordering the additional bloodwork I would need, the bloodwork not covered by my recent physical. Mostly stuff like free testosterone, which they probably wouldn't test for unless specifically asked. This is all a little bit complicated, because I don't technically have a doctor at FH yet / at all, because I need my case to be evaluated by them. So I tell them, "Sure, it's going to Dr. Terry." BUT WHATEVER.
So I write Terry and let him know that my medical records are coming, and ask him how to go about obtaining an order from FH to get the bloodwork done. He's only in the office Tuesday and Thursday, so I wait til Thursday to hear from him.
And that brings us to today. I get an email from Terry, telling me he is SO SORRY but he gave me the wrong fax number! He had given me his direct line, rather than the fax line. He also doesn't answer any of my bloodwork questions.
Oh Terry, dear, sweet Terry. I know you're an intern, I know you're over your head, I know your email signature says "MA Candidate" in case I was worried about your postgrad plans, it's okay you're doing an awesome job!
I call my doctor again, we play lunchbreak phone tag because now they're concerned I've requested to have my records sent to two different numbers but the same person in 24 hours. I explain the situation and all is clear. I let Terry know I've sent the information his way.
And then I get another email from Terry. He says, he's gotten the medical records, all he needs know is the letter from my therapist. He will put in a request for the additional bloodwork and get back to me. The committee will meet again next Thursday, and if all goes well, my case will be evaluated then.
So that's pretty awesome. I'm pretty excited. I suppose I should mention the other story, in which I called my therapist on Tuesday and then forwarded her my email from Terry about what needed to be done today (I really need to stop doing that). She wrote me back an email saying "I got both your messages. We'll talk about it tomorrow [when we usually meet] but you sound kind of anxious. Just wanted to reassure you."
I responded, "Not anxious! Just excited! Overenthusiastic, if anything."
To which she replied, "Good, excited is MUCH better than anxious!"
So that's kind of cute, that I'm emailing with my therapist, I guess. Or whatever.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
T is for Tumblr
Ever since I can remember, since my earliest days of exploring gender identity, I've looked to the internet. I find the internet to be an amazing resource for many trans / gender nonconforming people, as it can show you the resources you need, the vocabulary that's hard to understand, and the fact that so many people out there have the courage to do something that you've longed to do.
Now that I've taken huge leaps and strides in my identity, I find something very disheartening in the trans community I've found on Tumblr. Since Tumblr is apparently the new livejournal for those 18 and under, I was expecting to see similar communities and similar experiences. It's true, on many accounts. There's the same photos, the same encouragement, the same positive reinforcement.
But there's something else, something I love less. Time and time again I see posts by young trans guys writing about how they hate their bodies, how they want to cut themselves because of their breasts, how they starve themselves because they hate their bodies, how they want to kill themselves every time they get their periods. It seems to be so firmly couched in hatred, and so many of the issues that plague teen girls are just being transformed onto a trans identity.
I also can't help but find this fundamentally misogynistic. To hate something so fundamentally female just screams woman hating. I know the dysphoria that comes with being trans, and I know everyone's experience is different, but this is a TREND. I am seeing this EVERYWHERE. There is just so much rage and hate against the female body! It makes me so upset to think of this theoretically progressive movement so rooted in the misogyny that plagues everyone. It's everywhere.
Anyway. I got my appointment at Fenway health today. I should be starting T in (hopefully) under a month. Yeeeeee.
for the record, my tumblr is tuckfinn.tumblr.com. I got nothin' to hide biddies.
Now that I've taken huge leaps and strides in my identity, I find something very disheartening in the trans community I've found on Tumblr. Since Tumblr is apparently the new livejournal for those 18 and under, I was expecting to see similar communities and similar experiences. It's true, on many accounts. There's the same photos, the same encouragement, the same positive reinforcement.
But there's something else, something I love less. Time and time again I see posts by young trans guys writing about how they hate their bodies, how they want to cut themselves because of their breasts, how they starve themselves because they hate their bodies, how they want to kill themselves every time they get their periods. It seems to be so firmly couched in hatred, and so many of the issues that plague teen girls are just being transformed onto a trans identity.
I also can't help but find this fundamentally misogynistic. To hate something so fundamentally female just screams woman hating. I know the dysphoria that comes with being trans, and I know everyone's experience is different, but this is a TREND. I am seeing this EVERYWHERE. There is just so much rage and hate against the female body! It makes me so upset to think of this theoretically progressive movement so rooted in the misogyny that plagues everyone. It's everywhere.
Anyway. I got my appointment at Fenway health today. I should be starting T in (hopefully) under a month. Yeeeeee.
for the record, my tumblr is tuckfinn.tumblr.com. I got nothin' to hide biddies.
Friday, July 1, 2011
T Letter!
It happened! Finally!
I've been hoping it would happen before my therapist went away for two weeks, but today she told me to start making my appointments at FH and getting my endo in order and everything. I'm hoping it won't take me too long to get in, since I already have a PCP and just got my physical and blood work done. I called today, but since it's a holiday weekend, well, you know how that goes.
That brings me to a couple things -- Since I finally have a really strict timeline for starting T, I've decided to begin this photo project that I've been thinking about for awhile. It's inspired by my brilliant friend, EB and her 365 plus one project that she did last year. I'm planning on taking a photo of myself every day for the next year. I know a lot of trans guys do monthly / bimonthly / weekly updates or what have you, but I want to see what the day to day transition is actually going to look like. I also hope it'll prove to be an interesting roadmap when I look back and for others following in my shoes. If anything, it'll also be interesting because I'm 23 and likely to do ANYTHING.
I'M CRAZY.
Other than that, I'm hot as balls, pumped as hell, and so ready to get this show on the road. I'm hoping to get some comics done this coming weekend, so this blog will be a little more interesting than just me writing about my transition, but that might also be wishful thinking.
Stay tuned folks, shit's about to get real.
Super bass.
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